Combating Perfectionism + Its Affect On My Pregnancy

Many people attribute Perfectionism as a positive trait, I however do NOT...



Way back when, while I was in search of my career, I would boast in my interviews about an excellent trait I have -- my perfectionism. Now, I am older, wiser and know better. 

Perfectionism defined: Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

I always wanted to be perfect and I always wanted to have a plan. Guess what though? Life doesn't go according to plan and it has taken me many years and repetitive reading of books by Brene Brown to accept imperfection. As Brene would say: 


I did not want this to be me anymore. And honestly, I could go IN DEPTH and count all of the ways in which perfectionism had run my life for so many years. For the sake of quick reading though, I am going to dedicate this post to how it links with my pregnancy and infertility struggles. 

With being part of the TTC community for over 5+ years, it killed my inner perfectionist to not understand how I couldn't grasp this getting pregnant "thing." Part of being a woman is your ability to nurture, mother and get pregnant, so why was this so hard for me? What was I missing? Well remember what I said...life doesn't always go according to plan. It just doesn't. I spent years obsessing, reading, researching, seeing a variety of doctors and undergoing tests. And while all of this was happening one pregnancy announcement after another popped up. It was TORTURE! 

As any perfectionist would do, we would obsess until we get it right (I guess here in lies a positive). As the years passed slowly, but quickly I started to put myself down more and more. Well, if I exercise everyday, meditate, eat healthy, manage stress, get rid of all BPA products, switch to all-natural products for home and beauty, take these vitamins and so on and so on then my plan will be fool proof! Well 3 documented miscarriages and a stillborn angel later, I am still spinning my wheels (well, I am pregnant now! Yeah!). 

With each miscarriage I assessed, WHAT WAS I DOING WRONG? HOW COULD I BE BETTER? IN WHAT WAYS COULD I BE MORE PERFECT? And then after Jude passed, I knew better. I knew I could not wallow in the "what ifs" and the "what I should have done differently" thoughts. My perfectionist thoughts would have let me drown. Bottom line, being perfect DOES NOT give you control. This was my biggest lesson in losing our girl. Accepting that no matter how much we like to think we do -- we really have no control of most aspects of life. It is a tough pill to swallow. 

So as I began healing from our loss (losses) I turned to my Brene books because her words and wisdom give me perspective. Counseling also is so important! When my perfectionist personality makes an appearance in my subconscious, I work really hard to self-talk and deny those controlling thoughts. It isn't easy. 

With my current pregnancy, I have definitely had my moments. "If I eat this, bad things will happen." (I have been having a really hard time with eating because my nausea is so severe.) "If I don't get my exercises in, bad things will happen." "If I am not taking the best of the best prenatal, bad things will happen." The truth is, I don't believe any of these statements are true. It is just negative talk trying to give me anxiety. 

So, how do I combat my fears inflicted from perfectionism? 

  • Affirmations (currently pregnancy affirmations are what I am reading and repeating) 
  • Meditation (when I get worked up, I take 20 minutes to sit, breath and count my blessings) 
  • Journaling (writing all of my thoughts out including my SFD (Brene Brown's Term: Shitty First Draft) 
  • Counseling (life changing and something I never intend to stop - Everyone should have a counselor/therapist. EVERYONE.)
  • Phone a friend (I have my sounding boards and they are LIFE) 
  • Tend to my garden (to work those perfectionist thoughts out) 
  • Go for a walk (fresh air and vitamin D) 
  • And as mentioned, reading Brene's Books 
I don't ever believe my perfectionism will be 100% cured, but I do intend to work on it for as long as possible. The truth is, no matter how perfect we try to be, stuff will still happen. It is how your respond that matters. 


I hope you learn from my lessons. Thanks for reading! 



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