Healing in the New Year

2017 was quite the year + as we enter 2018, I am open to the endless possibilities that await...

"Don't look back, you aren't going that way." - Unknown

12 weeks pregnant in Hawaii

I am not going to lie, last year was ROUGH. Before I jump ahead though, let's begin the story at the beginning so we have some context here...

My husband and I had been on a 4 year and 3 month infertility journey when we found out in March we were pregnant. Yes, 2017 was going to be our year! Our first ultra sound was in April and to our pleasant surprise we weren't just pregnant, we were pregnant with TWINS! All of this wait (and wait and wait) and we were now going to be preparing for two newborns by Christmas. Life was grand! Fast forward 13.5 weeks at our ultra sound when we found out one of our twins didn't survive. Heartbreak. Tears and more tears. It was going to be ok though, we still had one healthy baby that was still on the way. At 16 weeks we had a thorough ultra sound and found out we were going to be having a girl. A GIRL! How exciting! Dress and bow shopping there I went! 19 weeks...was our anatomy scan. Heartbreak hit us again. We found out in a very (emphasis on that) uncomfortable visit with the tech that our girl was not so healthy. Super long story short, we found out she had what was called hydrops fatalis. Oh man. 4 weeks of endless testing, doctors appointments and specialists, our girl did not end up surviving. Heart shattered. She was stillborn on August 16, 2017. 

See what I mean, 2017, not so good to us. :( 

On the flip side of the coin...

There has been a lot of healing that has had to happen between August and now, and I will say it isn't all negative. As Brene Brown would say, I am on a heroes journey and right now (or maybe not so much now since I have resolution) I am in the middle, right where it is messy. While I do believe I am still in the middle, (because how can you really ever move forward from losing a child?) I do feel there has been some positive that has come from this. For one, in the face of adversity I sure learned a lot about myself, my husband, my family and friends. Most of it good. This experience has humbled me more than I can explain and also I feel like when Wes and I become parents we are going to be that much more appreciative and grateful. See? Some good in there. 

I would like to note that all of the statements mentioned above (or at least most of them) can be blog posts on their own. For now, I want to give an overview of my story and what's to come in the New Year in effort to stay on topic. So let's hit the pause button on some of these items. (If you do want to hear more about something specific though, please leave a comment. Input and feedback is welcome.)

Back to the story... 

As I have had time to heal and process I did come to some resolutions and have found a few positive outlets. Let me break them down for you... 

1. I decided that I want to be open with my story. Why? It is simple. I want to be (hopefully) a beacon of hope for those in the TTC (try to conceive) community, I want to share my story so that those who are also struggling with infertility, infant loss or loss in general know that they are not alone. Also, I've discovered by speaking my truth it has really helped me move forward in a positive way. Therefore, I wanted to re-focus this blog in effort to show the journey: the good, the bad and the ugly. 
2. Gardening. Well, gardening is life. Literally, because there is life in my garden. While I may not be a mother to a living human baby yet (we can't discount the fur children!) I have been able to breathe life into my garden. I specifically love succulents, herbs, citrus and veggies. So expect to see more posts on that here. :) 
3. My profession is photography and thru the rough months last year (this is another blog post, believe me) I learned that I wanted to re-focus the business a bit. So Christa and I are in the process of working on some ah-maz-ing changes and I cannot wait to share more details with you soon! 

And those are the top things for now. So on that note, if you are still reading this, I hope you will subscribe and join me on this journey. When you have an army with you anything is possible. Am I right?